Geez, What Now?: Why Tom Cruise is a Beautiful Trainwreck
by Abby Michelle Vicens
It’s a Wednesday night. I’m sitting in my dorm with nothing to do and not willing to do anything - anxiously waiting for my boyfriend to give me the “okay” to go over to his dorm. Like most of the time, the waiting is hard enough so I decided to make the conscious decision to become a slave to the blue light, known as my phone, and let my brain rot to my favorite pastime: scrolling on Tik Tok for hours on end. All is going well so far when I come across a video that uses an audio from Bo Burnhams: Inside Outtakes. The audio that most people use when doing this trend is as follows:
“Sh*t like this brings the movement down.
Everyone’s a feminist until there is a spider around.”
Banger lyrics, I know. However, the creator of said video changed these lyrics to fit said topic they were going off about. Through text, the song read like this”
“Sh*t like this brings the movement down.
Everyone [HATES ZOOPHILES] until [IT’S AN ATTRACTIVE ACTOR]”
I shrug. Makes sense, though I never heard the term “zoophile” before. After a quick Urban Dictionary search and being oddly disgusted, I was curious on who the video was pointed to. So, I hit the more button on the caption to see the hashtags. And there it was, in bold letters, clear as day.
Tom Cruise.
I’m awake. Out of my trance from the blue light, I sit up at my desk. I tap on the comment sections with everyone talking about him. “Geez,” I say to myself, eyes wide and slightly smirking out of redundancy, “what now?”. To make a long story short, allegedly Tom Cruise has a thing for fish? There are a few anonymous posts explaining that they’ve seen him on MULTIPLE occasions over the years buy a fish at market, ask for it not to be wrapped, go into the bathroom, and then exit without the fish in hand. They also state that the fish is found in the garbage can with multiple paper towels following suit. So, here I am, sitting at my computer, watching a 15 minute video explaining the most outrageous, alleged thing this man has ever done in his 40 years of stardom, absolutely baffled and bewildered. Before I knew it, it was nearing 10 pm. I finally turned away from it all and made my way to Harborview.
I need to make something clear to you before I continue. Everything I learn about this man is simply against my will. But then, after knowing the fact, I deep dive into it. It’s my curse. A curse that has been inflicted upon me since the ripe age of thirteen.
“What about him and Nicole Kidman?”
“He said WHAT about Brooke Shields?”
“What do you MEAN he got with CHER?!”
And of course, the popular question: “What’s scientology?”
I know it all. Every. Single. Minute. Detail. About Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. I know. I have this thing for tragic white men in history: Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Giacamo Casanova, you name it. In this day and age, I have a perfectly good specimen to observe! How can I not? Seems like there’s new information about this man that gets dropped every other month. The truth is: I love it.
It’s such a strange hyperfixation, according to most people I come across. Seems like the only people who don’t find it strange are people 45 or older - understandable. The main question I get the most from people when I tell them about my fascination with the actor is simple, “why?”. Tom Cruise can be considered an absolute trainwreck of a human being - spiraling since the early 90’s - but, as I like to see it, he’s a beautiful trainwreck nonetheless.
And I would LOVE to explain to you why…
His Acting Chops
Look, there’s a reason the man gets paid the big bucks. First and always, Tom Cruise is an actor. A performer. It’s what he does the most and more importantly it’s what he does the best (stunts are part of it). As an actor myself, whenever I watch a movie my brain defaults to dissecting the choices the actors make on screen - it’s a very good exercise. What people tend to look over when they think about him is that he IS a VERY GOOD actor - if not, GREAT! Tom Cruise has been nominated for numerous awards such as Oscars, BAFTA’s, Critics Choice Awards, and to mention his three golden globe wins! Tom is very calculated, which in return makes him an interesting subject to study. In recent years, Tom has focused more on his production company more than acting and I think that’s why my generation tends to associate him more as the “dramatic, plane-flying maniac” guy than the “A-List actor” that my parents associate him as.
There are many examples I could give you to showcase his talents. Born on the Fourth of July (false advertisement if you ask me), Magnolia, Jerry Maguire, Risky Business, just to name a few of his critically acclaimed films. But there’s one in particular I care to mention the most, you’ll have to hear me out.
Interview with the Vampire is a 1994 gothic film based on the novel of the same name, written by Anne Rice. It stars Brad Pitt, Kirsten Dunst, Antonio Benderas, and of course, our beloved Thomas. Tom plays the brat prince, Lestat De Lioncourt, across from Pitt who plays the titular Vampire, Louis de Pointe du Loc (or just Louis for the non nerds out there). You would’ve never guessed in a million years that TOM CRUISE, the ACTION STAR, played a VAMPIRE in the 90’S??? And he what? He played it WELL?? Indeed he did. He played this role a little too well if you ask me. This just so happens to be my favorite performance of his so much so it’s on my letterbox top four, but this fact baffles people.
In retrospect, it shouldn't be. This casting shouldn’t have worked so well as it did. According to Rice herself, Tom was her last choice to play Lestat in this film. And yet, despite this, he was..perfect? And dare I say…cunty? Now, don’t get me wrong, Tom is a phenomenal actor with many notable performances, but for some reason he completely transformed into this role. He morphed into this character so well that when watching this film, you don’t see Tom - you see Lestat. I absolutely love it when an actor can do that, it’s really hard to pull off especially if you’re an iconic actor who's known how to do one thing. In this film, Tom is not a pilot or a secret agent, nor is he an action star. He’s a vampire - THE brat prince himself.
The other factor to why he’s just so darn good is his commitment. Because he’s so committed to every role he’s in, he puts in the extra work and therefore the outcome is superb. Using Interview with the Vampire for example, Lestat in the books is known to be able to play multiple instruments, however in the film, he’s only seen playing one - the piano. Tom took the time to learn how to play piano for the film and the result looks convincing. Another example of him putting the work in is during the filming of the Last Samurai he spent a year learning how to handle the sword used in the film so the stage combat looks spectacular.
Well, okay, I know what you’re probably thinking, “That seems like a pretty sensible thing to like about an actor, but this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about. He isn't ALL that.” You’re right. But I’m not done yapping.
His Ego
Tom Cruise probably has the BIGGEST ego in Hollywood. Usually I’d say something like “rightfully so” but in this case, again, we’re talking about Tom Cruise. Hollywood has inflated this A-list celebrity’s ego so much he thinks he’s untouchable. It’s hilarious. It’s like he’s constantly compensating for something - that “something” most likely being his stature (5”7 respectfully). His inflated ego is the reason why in the late 90’s through the 2000’s he was making headlines - “the Oprah incident”, the filming of Top Gun: Maverick, and the one I care to go into detail about being the “MI: 7 covid incident”. Buckle up.
Not that this is the most shocking incident this man has been involved in but it’s the one that has happened in my life-time and the one I think about the most. Back in 2021, during the covid-19 outbreak, Tom and his production company were in the midst of trying to film Mission Impossible VII, while taking all the necessary measures and procedures noted by the CDC needed to keep everyone on set safe. While on set, he caught a couple of the crew not following social distancing guidelines and in return he gave them a “stern talking”. Well, it was more than that actually. He yelled at them - badly. A leaked audio from the Sun was released shortly after the incident. For your entertainment, I have the transcript for you to read to know exactly what he said to those people. Enjoy:
“We are the gold standard. They're back there in Hollywood making movies right now because of US!! Because they believe in us and WHAT we're DOING!! I'm on the phone with every f***ing studio at night. INSURANCE COMPANIES!! PRODUCERS!! And they're looking at us, and using us to make their movies. We are creating THOUSANDS of JOBS, you motherfuckers! I don't EVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN!! EVER!! And if you don't do it, you're fired! If I see you do it again, you're f***ing gone. And anyone on this crew does it, THAT'S IT! And you, too. And you, too. And you. If you ever do it again, that's it. No apologies. You can tell it to the people who are losing their f***ing homes because our INDUSTRY is shut down. It's not gonna put FOOD ON THEIR TABLE, or pay for their COLLEGE EDUCATION. THAT'S what I sleep with every night. The FUTURE of this F***ING INDUSTRY!! So, I'm sorry, but I am beyond your apologies. I have told you and now I want it and if you DON'T do it, you're OUT! We are not shutting this FUCKING MOVIE DOWN!! Is it understood? If I see it again, you're fucking gone. And so are you. So YOU'RE gonna cost him HIS job. If I see it on the set, YOU'RE gone, and YOU'RE gone. That's it. Am I clear? Do you understand what I want? Do you understand the responsibility that you have? Because I will deal with your reason. And if you can't be reasonable, and if I can't deal with your logic, you're fired. That's it. That is it. I trust you guys to be here. That's it. That's it, guys. That's what I'm thinking about. That's what I'm doing today. I'm talking to Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros. Movies are going because of us. We shut down, it's going to cost people their fucking jobs, their homes, their family—that's what's happening. All the way down the line. And I care about you guys. But if you're not going to help me, you're gone. OK? Do you see that stick? How many meters is that? When people are standing around a fucking computer and hanging out around here, what are you doing?”
Woof. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed and decided to go all Les Grossmen on their asses. This is the one and only case I’ve heard Tom do something outlandish and think to myself “...period.”
As harsh as he was, he did indeed have a point. If one person got sick, they would have to postpone production until further notice - nobody had the time or MONEY for that! Not even Tom Cruise who is worth almost 700 million dollars! Not to mention that Tom had put about $600,000 of his own money into keeping his cast and crew safe during filming. So, yes, he had every right to say these things to his crew. It’s probably a blessing that someone audio recorded it, I mean, could you imagine if this was just word of mouth? People would probably think he’s just an asshole! (more than he already is but I digress.) Now, the reason why I care to bring this one incident up is because, well, did you read it? This is a MONOLOGUE! It’s so fitting for his character to do this. Like, reading the headline “Tom Cruise scrolls crew on set of MI: 7” you immediately think “oh of course”. “Geez, what now!”
Fun fact before I move on, I have this *semi* memorize and recite it to myself whenever I’m reminded of it. Also, this event happened pretty close to Christmas and all I could think about was if Simon Pegg was getting into the “holly jolly spirit” with his earplugs in listening to Last Christmas by Wham, blatantly unaware that Tom has completely lost his shit in the back.
Now that you know how short of a fuse this man has due to his inflated ego that has been influenced by Hollywood over the last three decades, I’ll direct your attention to another reason why he amuses me.
His Fragileness
Oh, who would have foreseen this. Do I really need to explain this one? I will because that’s why you’re here but this one is the most self-explanatory one on the list. Bro can not handle a joke. God forbid anyone makes fun of him - I’m guessing that's why SNL hasn’t made any skits about him, scared that he’ll sue them! Not that he has ever sued tv networks or large corporations in the past - only individuals - however, it’s clear that he doesn’t enjoy parodies that put him in a bad light. Again, his ego. I’m sure you’re aware of the rumor that Tom Cruise is a homosexual. This rumor peeves Thomas so much, he has sued people for defamation because of it. He absolutely under no circumstances wants people to have this idea that he’s GAY! That of course didn’t stop Comedy Central.
South Park is a comedy animated TV show that has been running since the late 90s, created by Terry Parker and Matt Stone. Season nine episode twelve is titled “Trapped in the Closet” and first aired in 2005. South Park is known for its outrageous and offensive content, so, it was only a matter of time before they made an episode on the topic that Tom Cruise is most notorious for (say it with me now): Scientology. The plot of the episode is as follows: Stan gets reeled into the Church of Scientology after taking a “personality test” in which they tell him that he’s depressed and they can help him for a small fee of $240. He gets the money and the next thing they do is read his, what they call “thetan” levels, using an e-meter. Long story short, they believe that Stan is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the church.
Members of Scientology flood to his house and of course this overwhelms Stan and his family, so he heads to bed. Who’s waiting in his room is no other than Tom Cruise! Hoping that he’d get praise from his leader, Stan tells him that he’s an alright actor. Tom is taken aback and says that he’s “a failure in the eyes of the prophet” and locks himself in Stan's closet. This sparks a 5-10 minute bit making fun of the fact that Tom Cruise is “in the closet”. Speaks for itself. As you can imagine, this is very amusing. During the episode, a bunch of people try to get Tom out of the closet - including but not limited to, Nicole Kidman, R Kelly, and John Travolta.
This episode went over as well as you expected it - not very well. It was pulled off the air shortly after its initial release. It was so bad during this time to the point where Issac Hayes, who voiced Chef, left the show as he was a practicing Scientologist himself. About a year later, the episode was set to be rebroadcast, however it was replaced by a different episode instead. This is where it gets interesting. During the same time this episode was going to be rebroadcasted, Tom was on a press tour for his new movie Mission Impossible III. Apparently, he threatened to boycott the press tour if the episode aired and since the production company owned Comedy Central, they made them change episodes.
A little dramatic if you ask me. Tom allegedly would later come out and say that he never called for a boycott and he had no idea about the episode and that he didn’t care at all, but you and I know damn well that’s not true. Now, granted, I can understand that someone accusing you for being a homosexual was almost fighting words at this time, when the AIDS crisis wasn’t too long ago and if you grew up in the 70s. But it’s just the fact that he has literally sued people because they accused him for being gay just feels borderline homophobic. Don’t get me wrong, I was born in 2005 so I don’t know what it was like being gay in the 90’s - early 2000’s. But that doesn’t change the fact that it still feels…weird. And can you blame me for saying that?
Seems like over the years, news about Tom Cruise and his response to things have settled down and he seems much more private. And in my opinion, I think that’s for the best. I don’t think he should have opinions and openly talk about them, like his views on psychiatry and postpartum depression which I will not discuss here but have been his other controversy over the years. Maybe his views have changed over the years, or maybe that hasn't. They probably haven't, let's be so honest, the dude hangs out with Elon Musk. Do with that as you will…
This is only a fraction of things about him. I could go on to talk about his past lovers but we would be here forever. There is only one word to describe Tom Cruise: fascinating. Tom lives in my head rent free, and really he should start paying me to live in the folds of my brain. But there are more words I could use: ugly, tiresome, and just sad. He’s indeed a sad strange little man, who really shouldn’t deserve my pity but I give to him anyway. But why do I love him so much? Why have I seen all of his movies and have read article after article about his life and what he does with it?
My ex boyfriend gave it to me perfectly. He said, and I quote, “You love him in a ‘I want to throw him in a meat grinder’ sort of way.” It’s true. I want him to explode. I can’t stand him but oh my god he’s so entertaining. And that’s what he is: an entertainer. I hope you understand my curse now and why I’m a slave to my passions. I will always give into the “geez, what now?” that sparks when he appears on my feed. Because, he’s stupid and ugly and awful…but he’s my stupid and ugly and awful. I wouldn’t want him any other way…I lied so hard I wish he was good person I want 80’s Tom back so bad before Scientology why must he be the way that he is why-
TLDR:
“I will never forgive you for what you said about Brooke Shields! But you are so fucking hot when you play that sexy Vampire.”
“Team Nicole Kidman all the way! But Top Gun: Maverick was maybe the best movie I’ve seen in so long.”